TOLEDOTASTIC

Lifted from Harper's Magazine, August 2005

Click on the picture to see a larger, more readable copy of the scan.

Reviewed by Ben Witherington III

The runaway fictional bestseller The Da Vinci Code has clearly struck a nerve. As I write, the book has sat atop the New York Times bestseller list for some 40 weeks; it's number one on amazon.com's sales list; countless online chat groups have formed to discuss the book; and even churches are finding themselves having to present seminars on the book's views on Jesus, Mary Magdalene, the history of the canon, the early church, the Holy Grail and a plethora of other subjects.

This might be surprising if the work was meant to be considered a work of pure fiction. However, the book begins with a page labeled "FACT," which claims, among other things, that "all descriptions of ... documents ... in this novel are accurate." This unfortunately is not true. And although this FACT page will surely give many readers the false impression that this novel is based on sound historical research, the truth is, it is based on all sorts of conjectures - some scholarly, some not. And although the book claims to be based on historical texts, especially the Gnostic Gospels,* it is not based on history. The end result is closer to pure fiction than to historical fiction.

It is not surprising, however, that a powerful and well-written thriller, as good a page-turner as any John Grisham novel, could have such an impact in an age of widespread Biblical illiteracy and of ignorance of early Christian history. Come up with a conspiracy theory, implicate a major world organization like the Catholic Church, focus on long-held secrets, but withhold much of the evidence: Here you have the makings of a potent mix, especially in a culture that is already suspicious of powerful, large-scale institutions, be they governments, churches or something else.

What counts most in our postmodern culture is the power of your rhetoric, not the accuracy of your reporting or analysis. As one of the protagonists says toward the end of the novel: "It is the mystery and wonderment that serves our souls, not the Grail itself." In other words, it is the thrill of the chase, not the thrill of the truth, that should satisfy us.

Robert Langdon, the hero of the book, himself stresses that "every faith in the world is based on fabrication. That is the definition of faith - acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove. Every religion describes God through metaphor, allegory, and exaggeration ... The problems arise when we begin to believe literally in our own metaphors ... Those who understand their faiths understand the stories are metaphorical." Such philosophical claims undergird much of what we find in this novel, and it is not surprising that they lead to some clear errors of fact, as well as the misinterpretation of key historical matters. We will deal with this philosophical and religious mishmash in due course, but first a short tour of the historical errors of the book. I will skip the errors relating to the later Catholic Church, various popes, Leonardo da Vinci, the Priory of Sion, the Knights Templar, etc., and focus on the fundamental errors that have to do with Jesus, Mary and the canon of Scripture.

Error No. 1. The canonical Gospels are not the earliest Gospels, instead the suppressed Gnostic ones (such as the Gospel of Philip, or of Mary) are. This claim is made more than once by the book's protagonists, Teabing and Langdon, who are both portrayed as scholars, and thus as credible witnesses on these matters. They also claim that the four canonical Gospels were selected from among some 80 early gospels, the rest of which were suppressed. In fact there were less than half that many documents that might rightly be called gospels (texts telling the story of Jesus' life). Among the 35 or so extant noncanonical gospels are two Gnostic gospels that Dan Brown depends on most heavily in rewriting Jesus' life: the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary. There is no credible evidence that either of these existed before late in the second century A.D. Indeed many scholars think they come from the third century A.D. By contrast, no scholars that I know, whatever their theological persuasion, think that the canonical Gospels are from any later than the last half of the first century or (in the case of the Gospel of John) the first few years of the second century A.D. Our earliest extant gospel fragment is a portion of a papyrus of John 18 dating to the early second century A.D.

It is no surprise that the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary did not arise earlier since they reflect the Gnostic thought that only came to the fore in the middle and later parts of the second century A.D. and was criticized by the church fathers Irenaeus, Hippolytus and Tertullian, who wrote in the latter half of the second century A.D. The New Testament contains no critique of Gnosticism simply because it was not an issue in New Testament times.

One of the key indicators that Gnosticism is a later development is that it depends on the canonical Gospels for its substance when it comes to the story of Jesus. Even more tellingly, the Gnostic texts try to de-Judaize the New Testament story. By this I mean Gnosticism reflects a belief about the material world that comports with neither the Old Testament nor the New Testament, both of which affirm the goodness of God's creation, of the material universe, of human flesh, and indeed the goodness of being male or female and the goodness of sexual intercourse between the sexes. Gnosticism in contrast sees spirit as good and matter as inherently tainted and evil. The Nag Hammadi community that created the Gnostic gospels existed on the fringes of Christianity and seems to have been quite ascetical, to judge from some of their documents.

Dan Brown seems to be oblivious to this fact as he confuses the theological perspective found in the Gnostic gospels with paganism, a sort of paganism that affirms not merely the goodness but the sacredness of sex as a way to divinize oneself or get in touch with the Sacred Feminine. This is far from an accurate interpretation of the Gnostic Gospels. Yet the book's protagonist calls these gospels "the unaltered Gospels." As a rule of thumb, it may be said, the more esoteric and less Jewish a gospel, the less likely it reflects the earliest stages of the gospel tradition.

Error No. 2. Jesus is portrayed as simply a man or as a great prophet in the earliest historical sources, but was later divinized at the Council of Nicea in 325 A.D. This is patently false. Jesus is called theos (God) some seven times in the New Testament, including in the Gospel of John, and he is called "Lord" in the divine sense numerous times. No historian I know of argues that these texts post-date the Nicean council. The Council of Nicea in the fourth century and the Council of Chalcedon in the fifth century merely formalized and clarified these first-century beliefs by making them part of the creeds.

Error No. 3. Constantine was the bad guy who suppressed the earlier (Gnostic) Gospels and imposed the canonical Gospels and the doctrine of the divinity of Christ on the church. In fact, long before the days of Constantine, and even before the Gnostic gospels existed, the four canonical Gospels were circulating together as authoritative sources in the church. This may have occurred as early as 125 A.D. since Irenaeus knows of this; the Muratorian fragment - the earliest canon list,** dating to the second or third century A.D. - lists the Four Gospels as authoritative for the church; in the second century, the heretic Marcion accepted the Gospel of Luke alone as the appropriate source for knowledge about the historical Jesus. By 325 A.D. the Alexandrian bishop Athanasius in the East and the papal see in the West recognized only the four canonical Gospels, and indeed only the 27 books we now know as the New Testament. It is simply not true that the Gnostic Gospels were suppressed prior to the formation of the canon: They just weren't recognized as authoritative either by the eastern or western church. Lack of recognition is not the same as suppression.

Error No. 4. Jesus was married - and to Mary Magdalene at that. Since the New Testament is completely silent and does not support these ideas, of course one has to turn to other, later sources for them, in particular the Gospel of Philip, which was probably written sometime in the late third century A.D. Unfortunately the relevant portion of this text as it has come down to us has gaps. It reads, "And the companion of the ... Mary Magdalene ... her more than ... the disciples ... kiss her ... on her" (Gospel of Philip 63: 33-36). A parallel passage in Gospel of Philip 58-59 seems to suggest that the kiss would have been on the mouth.

As Professor Karen King indicates in her work The Gospel of Mary Magdala, a chaste kiss of fellowship, the so-called holy kiss referred to in Paul's own letters (see the end of 1 Corinthians 16), is in all likelihood meant here. What makes this especially likely is that this is a Gnostic document, where human sexual expression is the opposite of the spiritual; it is defiling.

Brown's "scholarly" protagonist Teabing argues that the word "companion" in this passage means "spouse" because that's what the Aramaic word really means. Unfortunately, this document was not written in Aramaic. Like the other Gnostic Gospels discovered at Nag Hammadi, Egypt, this document was written in Coptic! The word here for companion (koinonos) is actually a loan word from Greek and is neither a technical term nor a synonym for wife or spouse. It is true the term could be used to refer to a wife, since koinonos, like "companion," is an umbrella term, but it does not specify this fact. There was another Greek word, gune, which would have made this clear. It is much more likely that koinonos here means "sister" in the spiritual sense that is how it is used elsewhere in this sort of literature. In any case, this text does not clearly say or even suggest that Jesus was married, much less married to Mary Magdalene.

Error No. 5. Jesus must have been married because he was a Jew. This argument overlooks the fact that there were already exceptions to this sort of rule in early Judaism. The description of the celibate Essenes in Josephus (Antiquities 18.1.5.20-21; Jewish War 2.8.2) and Philo (Hypothetica 11.14-17), and the paucity of female skeletons in the cemetery at Qumran, which many scholars identify as the Essene settlement, may all attest to the fact that some early Jews felt a calling to celibacy. There is no reason why Jesus could not have been one of them. In fact, it would appear that his cousin John the Baptist set such a precedent for his kin group,*** and there were earlier prophetic figures (Samuel, perhaps, and Hosea, until God commanded him to marry Gomer) who may also have remained single. Many scholars, probably rightly, see Matthew 19:10-12, which states that some have chosen to be eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom and presents this as a viable alternative to marriage, as Jesus' own justification for remaining single. The Kingdom was coming and it was appropriate for him and his disciples to remain single and focus on their call to ministry. This conclusion is probably correct because otherwise it's an odd teaching, which would have been objected to by ordinary Jews who thought to "be fruitful and multiply" was a commandment for every able-bodied Jew. If it is correct, then the house of cards of later medieval conjecture about Mary Magdalene as Jesus' spouse and Jesus' supposed descendants falls down.

Error No. 6. The Dead Sea Scrolls along with the Gnostic texts found at Nag Hammadi, Egypt, are the earliest Christian records. This one is a real howler, as any student who has taken an introductory course in the New Testament will recognize. The Dead Sea Scrolls are purely Jewish documents. There is nothing Christian about them. There is also no evidence that any of the Nag Hammadi documents were written before the late second century A.D.

Error No. 7. The Church suppressed the idea that Jesus was married and had children because of its ascetical piety and assumption that a divine person or even a truly holy person would not be involved in such activities.

So far we have dealt with historical errors in Dan Brown's book; now let's address some of its philosophical and theological underpinnings. Whatever one thinks of the theological beliefs of early Christians, it is an historical error to misrepresent those beliefs.

At one juncture in the book, the hero Teabing argues that the church had to suppress the notion that Jesus was married because "a child of Jesus would undermine the crucial notion of Christ's divinity and therefore the Christian Church." Teabing seems to be suggesting that if Jesus had sexual relationships with a wife and sired offspring it would be defiling, or perhaps that as a divine being, Jesus couldn't afford to be fully and truly human. This of course is not what the creeds suggest. They suggest Jesus was both fully human as well as fully divine.

A priori, there is no reason why Jesus could not have been married. Jesus did not teach that sex was defiling; indeed he speaks of it as the means by which the two become one flesh with each other as God intended (see Mark 10). There is thus no reason why a married Jesus could not have had sexual relationships and sired offspring. Nor did the earliest Church have problems with the goodness of human sexuality. Thus, there is no good reason why the authors of the New Testament, who were all Jews, with perhaps the exception of Luke, would have suppressed the notion that Jesus was married. This would have just further affirmed his true humanity, not violated or annulled his divinity. After all, it was God who made us all sexual beings in the first place. It is only later (second or third century) ascetical piety (both Christian and Gnostic) that had problems with these things, not Jesus or the earliest church.

Brown's book consistently suggests that historical truth doesn't matter to faith (remember the hero's declaration that every faith is "based on fabrication," and that "the problems arise when we begin to believe literally in our own metaphors") - except when it supports his own agenda regarding Mary Magdalene or the Catholic Church. Brown seems to fail to grasp that early Christianity, like early Judaism, is not all about symbols and metaphors. It is about truths grounded in historical events, whether the Exodus, the reign of King David, or the death and resurrection of Jesus.

Of course sometimes these truths are expressed in symbols and metaphors, such as in the parables. But the gospel stories themselves are not mere allegories, or cleverly devised fables; they are ancient biographies written according to the historical and literary conventions of the time. They are based, as Luke 1:1-4 says, on the reports of eyewitnesses and early testifiers to these historical facts. Christian faith, like Jewish faith, is not a mere belief in something one imagines to be true. Christianity is based on certain irreducible historical events.

Brown also misunderstands the Biblical portrayal of God's character. He keeps referring to the church's repression of the Sacred Feminine - a female deity (or feminine aspect of God?) that he sees behind the Old Testament Shekinah, or Presence of God - the glory cloud that is the outward visible manifestation of God when God chooses to appear (a theophany). The problem with Brown's reasoning is that there is a clear witness in the Bible that God is neither male nor female. Rather, the creator God is Spirit (see, for example, Genesis 1 and John 4:24). The Bible has not replaced ancient female deities with one or more male ones. Jews and later Christians were a tiny minority that insisted there was only one God who was Spirit. This God was not a mere participant in the cycle and circle of life, like the gods of the crops (Baal) or the fertility goddesses (Magna Mater); this God was the one God who created all life and indeed the whole material universe. Contrary to The Da Vinci Code, one could not gain union with the God of the Bible through hieros gamos, or sacred sex. Indeed, no self-chosen human process, even intercourse, could divinize human beings. Eternal life was a gift of God to his people, not an achievement or a self-induced experience. Human beings were only created in the image of God, which meant they were created with a capacity for a full personal relationship with God that no other creature has. Being born is seen as a very good thing, being born again, even better, but the latter is not achieved by human sexual expression.

It is no accident that the heroine of this book is named Sophia Neveu - a rather transparent rendering of "new wisdom." Brown apparently hopes to broker "new religious wisdom" about Christian origins in the form of a belief in the Sacred Feminine. In so doing, he not only demeans the goodness of the theology of creation and Creator found in the Bible,; he also diminishes the process of salvation to an act of sexual expression.

In one of Shakespeare's historical plays about King Henry, Prince Hal comes in from a night of revelry, thinking that he and his chums had redefined the meaning of revelry. The king rebukes him, telling him that he has committed only "the oldest sins the newest kind of ways" (2 King Henry IV 4.5.127). The same might be said of the religious agenda underlying The Da Vinci Code. The book is simply a bad amalgam of old paganism and, strangely enough, old Gnosticism, brought to life by a masterful storyteller. It's all quite entertaining, if it's accepted for what it really is: not historical fiction, but pure fiction. And as thrilling as the book is, it can't hold a candle to the thrill of discovering the historical truth about events that have shaped the very contours of modern civilization.

Footnotes:
*The Gnostic Gospels are a diverse collection of documents, written by the early Christian sect known as the Gnostics, which bear little resemblance to the canonical Gospels, as they have little, and in some cases no, narrative and do not seek to present a biography of the historical Jesus. Their focus tends to be more on esoteric wisdom than the risen Jesus supposedly conveyed to the disciples after Easter.
**See George Howard, "Canon: Choosing the Books of the New Testament," BR, October 1989.
***See Otto Benz, "Was John the Baptist an Essene?" BR, December 1990.

Taken from the May/June 2004 issue of Biblical Archaeology Review.

Buy Witherington's book: The Gospel Code: Novel Claims About Jesus, Mary Magdalene and Da Vinci.

Witherington may be a fundamentalist Christian but his scholarship here is sound and perfectly in tune with secular thinking.

I hope I did the math right.

Western Calendar January 1 February 1 March 1 April 1 May 1

Toledotastic Calendar January 1 February 2 February 30 April 1 May 1

Basically, it's a matter of counting off every thirty days before starting a new month. The dates won't vary much between the old and new calendars for the first half of each year. As the year winds down, however, the differences between the two calendars will become more apparent.

Western Calendar November 1 December 1 December 27 December 28 December 29 December 30 December 31

Toledotastic Calendar November 5 December 5 First Holiday Day Second Holiday Day Third Holiday Day Fourth Holiday Day Fifth Holiday Day

The beauty of the Toledotastic calendar lies in its simplicity. No more wondering if April has 30 or 31 days. Every month has thirty days, end of story. Each year there will be five nameless, monthless days left over (six during a leap year). We could call these "Festival 1," "Festival 2," etc. These days would be given over to celebrations of some sort, along the lines of a protracted New Year's Eve. Since each year has the same number of total days, January 1st would be the same no matter which calendar a person used.

Really, since the traditional December 25th date for Christmas has pagan origins (Jesus was most likely born in the spring) there's no need to keep it. (FYI: The Eastern Orthodox Church holds Christmas on January 7th so the December 25th date isn't even universal among Christians.) So why not make the day after December 30th the new Christmas? Instead of "Holiday Day One" or "Festival Day 1" we could have "Christmas Day 1," "Christmas Day 2," etc., leading up to the start of the new year. I'd think that Christians would be thrilled to have Jesus' birthday honored in such a way.

Congress wants to fiddle with when we reset our clocks in an attempt to cut down on energy costs.

I say fuck daylight savings time altogether. What we really need to attack is the stupid Leap Year system.

Why don't we have twelve months of exactly 30 days each? Every year we'd then have five or six days leftover after December that we'd treat as freebie holidays...kind of an extended New Year's Eve celebration. Any fidgeting with our measurement of time could be done then (such as when scientists adjust time in nanoseconds).

FYI...there is a US government website offering the official time for every zone: click here.

I saw this somewhere else and found it funny. Enjoy.

Who doesn't love this movie?

Click here.

bookcrossing
n. the practice of leaving a book in a public place to be picked up and read by others, who then do likewise.

I don't see where the books would make it very far but it's a great idea.

by Horace Miner


The anthropologist has become so familiar with the diversity of ways in which different peoples behave in similar situations that he is not apt to be surprised by even the most exotic customs. In fact, if all of the logically possible combinations of behavior have not been found somewhere in the world, he is apt to suspect that they must be present in some yet undescribed tribe. This point has, in fact, been expressed with respect to clan organization by Murdock (1949:71). In this light, the magical beliefs and practices of the Nacirema present such unusual aspects that it seems desirable to describe them as an example of the extremes to which human behavior can go.

Professor Linton first brought the ritual of the Nacirema to the attention of anthropologists twenty years ago (1936:326), but the culture of this people is still very poorly understood. They are a North American group living in the territory between the Canadian Cree, the Yaqui and Tarahumare of Mexico, and the Carib and Arawak of the Antilles. Little is known of their origin, although tradition states that they came from the east. According to Nacirema mythology, their nation was originated by a culture hero, Notgnihsaw, who is otherwise known for two great feats of strength -- the throwing of a piece of wampum across the river Pa-To-Mac and the chopping down of a cherry tree in which the Spirit of Truth resided.

Nacirema culture is characterized by a highly developed market economy which has evolved in a rich natural habitat. While much of the people's time is devoted to economic pursuits, a large part of the fruits of these labors and a considerable portion of the day are spent in ritual activity. The focus of this activity is the human body, the appearance and health of which loom as a dominant concern in the ethos of the people. While such a concern is certainly not unusual, its ceremonial aspects and associated philosophy are unique.

The fundamental belief underlying the whole system appears to be that the human body is ugly and that its natural tendency is to debility and disease. Incarcerated in such a body, man's only hope is to avert these characteristics through the use of the powerful influences of ritual and ceremony. Every household has one or more shrines devoted to this purpose. The more powerful individuals in the society have several shrines in their houses and, in fact, the opulence of a house is often referred to in terms of the number of such ritual centers it possesses. Most houses are of wattle and daub construction, but the shrine rooms of the more wealthy are walled with stone. Poorer families imitate the rich by applying pottery plaques to their shrine walls.

While each family has at least one such shrine, the rituals associated with it are not family ceremonies but are private and secret. The rites are normally only discussed with children, and then only during the period when they are being initiated into these mysteries. I was able, however, to establish sufficient rapport with the natives to examine these shrines and to have the rituals described to me.

The local point of the shrine is a box or chest which is built into the wall. In this chest are kept the many charms and magical potions without which no native believes he could live. These preparations are secured from a variety of specialized practitioners. The most powerful of these are the medicine men, whose assistance must be rewarded with substantial gifts. However, the medicine men do not provide the curative potions for their clients. but decide what the ingredients should be and then write them down in an ancient and secret language. This writing is understood only by the medicine men and by the herbalists who, for another gift, provide the required charm.

The charm is not disposed of after it has served its purpose, but is placed in the charm-box of the house hold shrine. As these magical materials are specific for certain ills, and the real or imagined maladies of the people are many, the charm-box is usually full to overflowing. The magical packets are so numerous that people forget what their purposes were and fear to use them again. While the natives are very vague on this point, we can only assume that the idea in retaining all the old magical materials is that their presence in the charm-box, before which the body rituals are conducted, will in some way protect the worshipper.

Beneath the charm-box is a small font. Each day every member of the family, in succession, enters the shrine room, bows his head before the charm-box, mingles different sorts of holy water in the font, and proceeds with a brief rite of ablution. The holy waters are secured from the Water Temple of the community, where the priests conduct elaborate ceremonies to make the liquid ritually pure.

In the hierarchy of magical practitioners, and below the medicine men in prestige, are specialists whose designation is best translated "holy-mouth-men." The Nacirema have an almost pathological horror of and fascination with the mouth, the condition of which is believed to have a supernatural influence on all social relationships. Were it not for the rituals the mouth, they believe that their teeth would fall out, their gums bleed, their jaws shrink, their friends desert them, and their lovers reject them. They also believe that a strong relationship exists between oral and moral characteristics. For example, there is a ritual ablution of the mouth for children which is supposed to improve their moral fiber.

The daily body ritual performed by everyone includes a mouth-rite. Despite the fact that these people are so punctilious about care of the mouth, this rite involves a practice which strikes the uninitiated stranger as revolting. It was reported to me that the ritual consists of inserting a small bundle of hog hairs into the mouth, along with certain magical powders, and then moving the bundle in a highly formalized series of gestures.

In addition to the private mouth-rite, the people seek out a holy-mouth-man once or twice a year. These practitioners have an impressive set of paraphernalia, consisting of a variety of augers, awls, probes, and prods. The use of these objects in the exorcism of the evils of the mouth involves almost unbelievable ritual torture of the client. The holy-mouth-man opens the client's mouth and, using the above mentioned tools, enlarges any holes which decay may have created in the teeth. Magical materials are put into these holes. If there are no naturally occurring holes in the teeth, large sections of one or more teeth are gouged out so that the supernatural substance can be applied. In the client's view, the purpose of these ministrations is to arrest decay and to draw friends. The extremely sacred and traditional character of the rite is evident in the fact that the natives return to the holy-mouth-men year after year, despite the fact that their teeth continue to decay.

It is to be hoped that, when a thorough study of the Nacirema is made, there will be careful inquiry into the personality structure of these people. One has but to watch the gleam in the eye of a holy-mouth-man, as he jabs an awl into an exposed nerve, to suspect that a certain amount of sadism is involved. If this can be established, a very interesting pattern emerges, for most of the population shows definite masochistic tendencies. It was to these that Professor Linton referred in discussing a distinctive part of the daily body ritual which is performed only by men. This part of the rite involved scraping and lacerating the surface of the face with a sharp instrument. Special women's rites are performed only four times during each lunar month, but what they lack in frequency is made up in barbarity. As part of this ceremony, women bake their heads in small ovens for about an hour. The theoretically interesting point is that what seems to be a preponderantly masochistic people have developed sadistic specialists.

The medicine men have an imposing temple, or latipso, in every community of any size. The more elaborate ceremonies required to treat very sick patients can only be performed at this temple. These ceremonies involve not only the thaumaturge but a permanent group of vestal maidens who move sedately about the temple chambers in distinctive costume and headdress.

The latipso ceremonies are so harsh that it is phenomenal that a fair proportion of the really sick natives who enter the temple ever recover. Small children whose indoctrination is still incomplete have been known to resist attempts to take them to the temple because "that is where you go to die." Despite this fact, sick adults are not only willing but eager to undergo the protracted ritual purification, if they can afford to do so. No matter how ill the supplicant or how grave the emergency, the guardians of many temples will not admit a client if he cannot give a rich gift to the custodian. Even after one has gained admission and survived the ceremonies, the guardians will not permit the neophyte to leave until he makes still another gift.

The supplicant entering the temple is first stripped of all his or her clothes. In every-day life the Nacirema avoids exposure of his body and its natural functions. Bathing and excretory acts are performed only in the secrecy of the household shrine, where they are ritualized as part of the body-rites. Psychological shock results from the fact that body secrecy is suddenly lost upon entry into the latipso. A man, whose own wife has never seen him in an excretory act, suddenly finds himself naked and assisted by a vestal maiden while he performs his natural functions into a sacred vessel. This sort of ceremonial treatment is necessitated by the fact that the excreta are used by a diviner to ascertain the course and nature of the client's sickness. Female clients, on the other hand, find their naked bodies are subjected to the scrutiny, manipulation and prodding of the medicine men.

Few supplicants in the temple are well enough to do anything but lie on their hard beds. The daily ceremonies, like the rites of the holy-mouth-men, involve discomfort and torture. With ritual precision, the vestals awaken their miserable charges each dawn and roll them about on their beds of pain while performing ablutions, in the formal movements of which the maidens are highly trained. At other times they insert magic wands in the supplicant's mouth or force him to eat substances which are supposed to be healing. From time to time the medicine men come to their clients and jab magically treated needles into their flesh. The fact that these temple ceremonies may not cure and may even kill the neophyte, in no way decreases the people's faith in the medicine men.

There remains one other kind of practitioner, known as a "listener." This witch-doctor has the power to exorcise the devils that lodge in the heads of people who have been bewitched. The Nacirema believe that parents bewitch their own children. Mothers are particularly suspected of putting a curse on children while teaching them the secret body rituals. The counter-magic of the witch-doctor is unusual in its lack of ritual. The patient simply tells the "listener" all his troubles and fears, beginning with the earliest difficulties he can remember. The memory displayed by the Nacirema in these exorcism sessions is truly remarkable. It is not uncommon for the patient to bemoan the rejection he felt upon being weaned as a babe, and a few individuals even see their troubles going back to the traumatic effects of their own birth.

In conclusion, mention must be made of certain practices which have their base in native esthetics but which depend upon the pervasive aversion to the natural body and its functions. There are ritual fasts to make fat people thin and ceremonial feasts to make thin people fat. Still other rites are used to make women's breasts larger if they are small, and smaller if they are large. General dissatisfaction with breast shape is symbolized in the fact that the ideal form is virtually outside the range of human variation. A few women afflicted with almost inhuman hypermammary development are so idolized that they make a handsome living by simply going from village to village and permitting the natives to stare at them for a fee.

Reference has already been made to the fact that excretory functions are ritualized, routinized, and relegated to secrecy. Natural reproductive functions are similarly distorted. Intercourse is taboo as a topic and scheduled as an act. Efforts are made to avoid pregnancy by the use of magical materials or by limiting intercourse to certain phases of the moon. Conception is actually very infrequent. When pregnant, women dress so as to hide their condition. Parturition takes place in secret, with out friends or relatives to assist and the majority of women do not nurse their infants.

Our review of the ritual life of the Nacirema has certainly shown them to be a magic-ridden people. It is hard to understand how they have managed to exist so long under the burdens which they have imposed upon themselves. But even such exotic customs as these take on real meaning when they are viewed with the insight provided by Malinowski when he wrote (1948:70):

Looking from far and above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. But without its power and guidance early man could not have mastered his practical difficulties as he has done, nor could man have advanced to the higher stages of civilization.


References Cited

LINTON, RALPH, 1936 The Study of Man. New York, D. Appleton-Century Co.
MALINOWSKI, BRONISLAW, 1948 Magic, Science, and Religion. Glencoe. The Free Press.
MURDOCK, GEORGE P., 1949 Social Structure. New York. The Macmillan Co.
Courtesy of OSU.

I'll start by getting the bullshit out of the way. Having been to Los Angeles and Detroit, under no circumstances does Detroit begin to resemble even a futuristic, beaten down LA. It also goes without saying that people in LA do not wear coats with any regularity. But I got to giggle seeing Detroit landmarks I easily recognized. It was nearly enough to let me forgive myself for not knowing that Ewan McGregor was so close to me during filming. The opportunity to knock on his hotel room door wearing nothing but a trench coat and heels has passed, however, so I must pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on.

Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson were great, as were the actors in smaller roles (hmm...Steve Buscemi, the African friend of Russell Crowe in Gladiator and a bunch of others whose names escape me).

The premise is that a medical company is breeding clones for the wealthy, to serve as either organ transplant parts or surrogate mothers. To keep the clones content and healthy, they are kept in an underground bunker where they are told that the rest of the world has suffered through some sort of contaminating holocaust. Each new clone to leave its pod for group acclimation is treated as a 'survivor' of said holocaust who was amazingly found and decontaminated. So the big trick of the company is getting clones to leave this happy place. This is done by instilling in them the idea that there is a contaminant-free island somewhere...a place where they can live in the open air. Expectant mothers go there automatically (under the pretense that they must raise their infants in fresh air). Others go there via a lottery system. Of course, the reality is that lottery winners are picked based upon the need for their organs. Ewan's character learns this early on when he sneaks out of the bunker and visits the hospital facility built over it.

The film tackles the basic moral ideas involved with creating and then killing clones without making it overly sappy. There's no long speech from characters debating the issue. The 'this shit ain't right' viewpoint is shown well enough through the well-done scenes of clones being killed once they've served their purpose. In a nutshell, there's a good story here.

What really give this film more universal appeal are the action sequences. Between my stepfather and brother, I've sat through everything from Rambo to The Fast and the Furious. I've seen plenty of fights and car chases. This film by far had some of the best action I've seen in years, from the simplest things to the most complex special effects. A dude might want to tinker with my list but I think the elements of a good action film are: something gross, a weapon, a ride, a fight, a chase and seeing things destroyed.

The something gross was the procedure done to test Ewan's health issues. It involved walking microbes dropped into his eye socket.

The weapon is a really simple device - a sort of grappling hook except that it's used on people. A gun-like instrument shoots out a hook that sinks into someone's flesh. The shooter then pulls on the cord and the victim's body is pulled back. It isn't said in the film but obviously this sort of retrieval weapon was used to cause minimal damage to the escaping clones (since their bodies need to be in proper condition for organ transplant). Definitely cringe-inducing.

The ride is a sort of motorcycle hovercraft. I can't remember the name of the similar rides used in Star Wars but picture them, then picture them going on the show Monster Garage. Got the idea? Now make the ride a two-seater - one seat for the driver and another seat that's more upright for the shooter. I'll call it a motocopter for lack of a better term.

There were loads of fight scenes in the film. The funniest was Ewan McGregor fighting with himself (clone vs. human) in a fast-driving Cadillac.

The catalyst for the film's action is Ewan's escape from the clone bunker. A unit of former Navy SEALS is hired to track him and Scarlett (whom he grabbed before she could be sent to the island). These guys track them in helicopters, on motocopters, in cars, even in a tank. This adds humor as well since the hunters get away with everything simply because they put LAPD labels on themselves. There are several chase scenes but my favorite was on the highway. Ever feared the chains holding a semi's haul would come loose? I know that other films have done this but none so well. Ewan rolled giant dumb-bell-looking hulks of metal off the end of a truck. The camera was right there. It looked as if these dumb-bells were coming directly at us in the audience.

The hunt for the clones was a national security issue so there was no regard for civilian casualties or property damage. Everything was done on a massive scale. Cars of every description were rammed through. Actors were placed in the middle of it every time. It was one of those movies where you can't help thinking, "They should have died at least half a dozen times by now." But the scenes are so good that you don't care. It's not irritating to see people drop 60+ stories off a building into a net so long as you see the building's logo sign topple down inches away from their dangling legs.

Damn it...I need to get to the bar. Just go see the damn movie. You'll like it.

Okay...we can all agree that reading to kids is beneficial to the kids. Pardon the AIMspeak but WTF!?! How is it a good idea to have convicted criminals work with children? Okay...the woman in question has a minor charge. All the same, though, by the judge's own admission she consorts with drug dealers and users. She is likely a drug user herself. Even if it is within the confines of a library, what parent is going to let this woman read to his/her kids? Maybe the judge would have done better by ordering the woman to read with her own kids for 200 hours.

Educational lesson for the day I guess.

Japanese warriors battling a giant. Lovely.

It is time for a sexy new profile picture. Vote for your favorite.

You Are 24 Years Old

24 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Can anyone identify this dagger? It is 21 inches long, wooden/metal handle in a metal sheath. All I can say for certain is that it came into the possession of a man in the United States Navy during World War II. Whether or not it's a true antique I have no idea.

I cannot say this often enough. I love the History Channel as much as anyone but if they air crap seemingly substantiating the most irritating book of all time again, I'll be forced to start busting caps in asses.

Really, this sort of thing is an excellent example of where private sector educational channels fail us. This sort of programming is catered to popular tastes - in this case, the stupid book everyone has read. There is no motivation to say, "Hey, dumb asses...the book is pure fiction. If you'd ever taken a history course beyond 'History for Dummies' you'd be able to point out its many fallacies." Obviously one cannot expect the average person to spot out the flaws in a story like The Da Vinci Crap. We as stupid citizens count on documentary-style TV programs to give us some sort of balanced review. That is, we tune into the History Channel expecting to learn what is real, false or whatever. Unfortunately, there are more viewers willing to watch a show that confirms the titillating tripe they read about. So we're treated to a slew of dufuses touted as experts who despite actually knowing nothing about the topic are eager to confirm for viewers that Jesus definitely porked Mary Magdalene or whatever the case may be. Oh, yeah...and Leonardo da Vinci knew this despite living well over a thousand years after the fact because he, was, uh, smart and stuff. This sort of programming is the best argument for public television out there.

Please...anyone out there in cyberspace with an actual interest in this stuff...read a good secular magazine like Biblical Archaeology Review (written for the layperson). Whatever you do, do not go up to a history major who focused on the ancient Middle East and attempt to sound intelligent and well-read by bringing up the shit you read in a best-selling novel.

Last night I saw where a friend changed the color scheme of his online journal which prompted me to recognize the fact that I detest orange. After fiddling with my own colors, I came up with a scheme that isn't quite all black and white but pretty close. It's better than looking like a pumpkin patch.

That being said, I'm open to suggestions now that I think I know a bit more about HTML codes. Please leave appropriate comments.

Toledo's favorite dive gay bar celebrated its last night at the old Erie Street location. Many drunks woke up this morning with autographed bits of shingle, their precious memories of Hoots' last moments forever hovering in drunken blackout land. It's just as well considering how things looked to a relatively sober me when the lights finally came on.

Quicker than you can shove a dirty dollar bill up the ass crack of a stripper, though, Hooterville Station will be reopening in the same building as Caesar's. Let the new memories begin.

Daimler-Chrysler is finally shutting down the plant on Jeep Parkway in West Toledo.


[Courtesy of the Toledo Library.]


[Courtesy of this site.]

AP News has a story today about a stupid hiker who got lost for five days after looking at lava flow. Am I the only person who learned the buddy system as a kid? Better yet, am I the only person who does not decide to (without telling anyone) go hiking alone at night?

From the internet.

Mars Retrograde (coming Oct-Dec 2005)
What does it mean when a planet is in retrograde?

From the earth, if we look up in the sky and watch the motion of the planets against the backdrop of the stars, we usually observe them moving in one direction. Occasionally, every celestial body except the Sun and the Moon will appear to slow down in its orbit, stop, and then go backwards, or retrograde, for a period of time.

Mars Retrograde happens every other year and lasts for approximately 70 to 80 days.

Planets in retrograde lose steam, clarity and direction. So with Mars turning retrograde, we will all feel like suddenly we are paddling upstream.

Mars is the planet of war, fighting, new beginnings, and the act of sex.

How does the retrograde cycle of Mars affect us?
New projects and plans initiated now are likely to stall or not develop as expected.
Our energy level will be lower.
Accidents and arguments from impulsive actions and unrecognized anger will flare.
Health problems from stress that’s internalized are also much more likely during this time.
Think of capping a volcano and sending the energy back into the Earth—that’s what happens to each of us during this part of Mars’ cycle. That’s why some folks will explode with frustration and make very poor decisions and moves now, responding with violence and anger instead of patience and dialogue.

Things don’t go as fast as we want them to during Mars retrograde. The better use of this time is to wait, plan and accept compromises. Delays and detours may turn out to be valuable, as you discover something of worth along the way. This is an excellent time to go back over recent developments in your life with the aim of reviewing your goals and methods—significant adjustments made now can improve your chances in the future. This is the time to germinate seeds, and to work out the details and actions of something that will begin (be planted) after the retrograde period ends. Mars represents strength—and this is time to gather your strength, and reinforce your position, rather than burn all your fuel.

Anything new that is postponed during Mars retrograde is probably for the better. Everyone will have less energy to work with during this period of time; remember that when you demand service or conditions to change immediately.

Slow down and resist gambling on first time relationships and situations as the odds are poor that you will succeed or be satisfied from such in the long run. Aries and Scorpio birthsigns, ruled by Mars, especially. Keep your guns holstered and wait for Mars to resume direct motion. Times will change.

Bottom Line
Most of the conflicts and challenges that appear during Mars retrograde will be temporary—that’s why you need to keep focused on the big picture and the philosophy of what you are doing.

Mars retrograde is tremendously powerful, although the energy is not well-suited for forward motion. It is extremely well suited, however, for reinforcing or strengthening some aspect of your life.

Better yet...I hope you enjoyed this summer's sanity because most astrologers are saying that we are as of today in full Mars retrograde and will be until August 15th.

The Blade has more on Tom and Bernadette Noe today. It seems that the coin scandal might be straining their marriage. Aww...can't we just leave them alone? Sure they may have embezzled funds from Ohio taxpayers but jumpin' gee willikers...must we cut into their cuddle time? Poor, poor Bernadette Noe...searching for a job as a lawyer in Florida while dodging the state prosecutor in Ohio. What firm wouldn't want to hire someone who's claiming to be too stupid to notice that her husband *allegedly* stole millions?

Construction has begun of yet another shopping mall at the Fallen Timbers battlesite. Because if there's anything this area needs, it's another lifeless place to buy overpriced clothing and household goods.

Daily local history lesson:

In 1792, President George Washington appointed Anthony Wayne as the commander of the United States Army of the Northwest, currently serving in the Northwest Territory. The major purpose of this army was to defend American settlers from Indian attack. Josiah Harmar and Arthur St. Clair had both suffered defeat at the hands of the natives in the previous few years, and Washington hoped that Wayne would prove more successful. Wayne arrived with additional troops to supplement the Army of the Northwest in May 1793. He positioned his force at Fort Washington, near Cincinnati. Wayne had hoped to move against the natives immediately, but small pox and influenza weakened his men too severely. In October, Wayne finally left the Cincinnati area and headed to Fort Jefferson. He proceeded six miles to the north of Fort Jefferson and ordered the construction of Fort Greene Ville. His army remained here for the winter of 1793-1794. He also had his men build Fort Recovery on the site of St. Clair's Defeat.

Tensions escalated between the Americans and the Indians during the summer of 1794. On June 30, 1,500 Shawnee Indians, Miami Indians, Delaware Indians, Ottawa Indians, and Ojibwa Indians led by Little Turtle attacked a supply train leaving Fort Recovery for Fort Greene Ville. In late July, Wayne moved into the heart of Indian territory. In early August, he had his men construct Fort Defiance to protect his army as well as to serve as a supply depot. During this time period, Wayne's men also destroyed native villages and crops. Realizing that the Indians needed to sue for peace, Little Turtle refused to lead the tribes into battle. The natives removed Little Turtle from command and replaced him with Blue Jacket. As Wayne moved toward the Maumee River, the Indians prepared to attack him at an area known as Fallen Timbers, so named because a tornado had knocked down many of the trees. The Indians expected the Americans to arrive on August 19, but the white soldiers did not arrive until the next day. The natives fasted before the battle to avoid having food in their stomachs. The likelihood of infection increased if a person was wounded in the stomach and there was food in it. By August 20, the natives were weak from hunger. Although the Indians used the fallen trees for cover, Wayne's men quickly drove the Indians from the battlefield. The Americans had thirty-three men killed and roughly one hundred wounded, while the Indians lost approximately twice that number. The fight became known as the Battle of Fallen Timbers. Blue Jacket's followers retreated to Fort Miamis, hoping the English would provide them with protection and assistance against Wayne's army. The English refused. Wayne followed the natives to the fort. Upon his arrival, Wayne ordered the British to evacuate the Northwest Territory. The English commander refused, and Wayne decided to withdraw to Fort Greene Ville.

For the next year, Wayne stayed at Fort Greene Ville, negotiating a treaty with the Indians. The natives realized that they were at a serious disadvantage with the Americans, especially because of England's refusal to support the Indians. On August 3, 1795, the Treaty of Greenville was finally signed. Representatives from the Miami Indians, the Wyandot Indians, the Shawnee Indians, the Delaware Indians, and several other tribes agreed to move to the northwestern corner of what is present-day Ohio, forsaking their lands south and east of the agreed upon boundary. Not all Indians concurred with the treaty, and bloodshed continued to dominate the region for the next twenty years as Americans and Indians struggled for control.

[Courtesy of Ohio History Central]

We have a lot of people murdered locally for stupid reasons but this might be the most stupid one so far (at least this year). Being caught trying to steal a car is much less serious than murder.

Forget the tabloids. Let's use science to determine the likelihood of celebrity romances working out.

Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise - 25 %

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston - 58%

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie - 77%

Pee Wee Herman & Angelina Jolie - 23 %

David Hasselhoff & Angelina Jolie - 67 %

David Hasselhoff & Britney Spears - 97 %

Kevin Federline & Britney Spears - 49%

David Hasselhoff & Me - 64%

Truly we as a society need to collectively will David Hasselhoff and Britney Spears to have a relationship. Dr. Love cannot be wrong.

Every now and again I feel that I need to remind everyone that there is a website devoted to uncircumsized men, namely foreskin.org.

Nice to see a cheesy local restaurant get a nice review in the Blade.

So sad for everyone involved.

Check out the Red Colony website to learn about ideas for the colonization of Mars. My bags are packed.

"We are an international symposium, spanning students and professionals, scientists and laymen alike, all with a desire to colonize and terraform Mars. Our visitors have the opportunity to submit ideas in these evolving fields, knowing they are literally writing the books on Mars. Their articles are discussed by the scientific community until the most comprehensive, efficient and realistic Plan is developed and enacted. Read the Introduction to find out more."

Wow...we have nearly 14,000 unoccupied residences in Lucas County according to the U.S. Census.

Home value by race:

Whites = $95,300
Blacks = $53,700
Asians = $157,000

On the tail of the nanny scandal, a friend IMed me the link to this tasty treat:



Please let it be real.

If memory serves, the internet started in the USA and the US government handed over control of domain names to some agency which in turn sells these domain names to whomever is interested. Now the UN wants to take over this process to at least some degree.

Could someone with greater internet knowledge please explain this to me? I don't see why a country like the United Kingdom or New Zealand couldn't automatically be granted control over domain names ending in .uk or .nz. Is the rest of the world really that concerned about the fact that Americans alone control the .com rights? I understand that we Americans are spoiled in not needing to add .us to the end of our web addresses but so what? This is one situation that brings out my red, white and blue...not in the sense of blind patriotism but in the sense that I don't want an even bigger agency controlling the internet.

The BBC is reporting that Jude Law just publicly admitted to porking his children's nanny.

What is your monetary value?

I am worth $1,905,390 on HumanForSale.com

"The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated."

"What right have you to be happy? You should be thinking about others. In fact, you should be thinking about me. I am always thinking about myself, and I expect everybody else to do the same. That is what is called sympathy. It is a beautiful virtue, and I possess it in a high degree."

"You are a very irritating person," said the Rocket, "and very ill-bred. I hate people who talk about themselves, as you do, when one wants to talk about oneself, as I do. It is what I call selfishness, and selfishness is a most detestable thing, especially to any one of my temperament, for I am well known for my sympathetic nature. In fact, you should take example by me; you could not possibly have a better model."

Someone said it in another blog so it must be true! And here I thought only my friends were reading this. Now I almost feel silly that I posted corny Quizilla test results alongside my more political musings.

Right-wing fundamentalists are not giving up on attacking PBS. Anyone who regularly watches the network should have seen this coming back during the election when Frontline aired an episode on Bush and Kerry that illustrated what a useless twat Bush is. The show was balanced in the fact that it showed Kerry's twat-like characteristics as well. I guess 'balanced journalism' means having an equal number of not-so-nice things to say about everyone. So a show comparing Churchill and Hitler would be obliged to cover that Hitler liked animals and did a lot for German industrialization while glossing over the Holocaust, because for an objective comparison to be fair, no one can come out looking better. Right?

I'd have to backtrack the dates on the anti-PBS maneuverings but I'm fairly certain that the April Carl Rove edition was the defining impetus. Kudos to Washington for so cleverly disassembling the last decent outlet of the mainstream media milieu, all under the guise of shielding children from lesbians.

So one guy rapes a little girl and suddenly everyone is to blame? Obviously the people of Hamilton have been eyeballing Mexicans for years looking for an excuse to hate them.

Wake up! They live in Hamilton fucking Ohio! They should be grateful if anyone notices the place long enough to stop in at a gas station to go pee, let alone decides to settle there. I've been to this part of our state...great area to see through the window of a fast-moving car.

Sonnet XIX

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts to-night, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply.
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Humidity sucks. Knowing a bit about local DUI laws and geography, nothing struck me as odd this morning about walking across the river to pick up my car (I will not drive drunk and so left it in front of the bar I was at last night). The walk itself was nothing. The weather, though, yuck. I have newly found sympathy for the people of the world who do not own vehicles. It's fucking humid outside! I'm halfway motivated to start picking up hitchhikers (although of course I won't).

The news is boring. Here's a poem.

"Eyes That Last I Saw in Tears"

Eyes that last I saw in tears
Through division
Here in death's dream kingdom
The golden vision reappears
I see the eyes but not the tears
This is my affliction

This is my affliction
Eyes I shall not see again
Eyes of decision
Eyes I shall not see unless
At the door of death's other kingdom
Where, as in this,
The eyes outlast a little while
A little while outlast the tears
And hold us in derision.

--Thomas Stearns Eliot

Shocker! A faulty sensor has postponed the flight to the International Space Station.

The Blade has gotten "the Ohio Supreme Court (to order) the state Bureau of Workers’ Compensation today to release all coin purchase and sales records..." Would it be presumptious to ask the Blade to add an addendum requesting the bastards to send me my damn unemployment check as well!?!

You're a sexy girl! You are beautiful, and you
love attention from guys, and are very
flirtatous. You might come off as a slut and
bitch to some but I think you have another side
to you that is pleading for attention, love, and
care. You might be confident on the outside but
don't be afraid to unleash a more sensitive
side. Be better than just the average sex
symbol.


What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Or not. AP News says that Brad Pitt is hospitalized with flu-like symptoms after going to Africa (again) with Angelina Jolie. This leads us to ask ourselves, yet again, how is this news?

NASA is headed off into space again. No cool moon landings are planned, though.

Click here.

Your historical dream date is William Shakespeare,
although no one is quite sure who 'Shakespeare'
really is.....This man of mystery has a way
with words and would immortalize you with his
pen. Unfortunately, he also likes to give his
children strange names (Hamnet, anyone?) and
would probably only allow you the second-best
bed in the house. You can look forward to a
comfortable manor in Stratford-upon-Avon and
some very good theatre tickets.


*!*! Who in history is your type? !*!*
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, your dream date has arrived! I'd like to
introduce you to the Roman empress, Livia
Augusta. Livia was the beautiful wife of the
emperor Augustus and many say she was
responsible for much of her husband's success.
According to historical accounts, Livia was not
a pleasant lady and was not fond of sex,
although she did arrange for her husband to see
prositutes. Livia's chief pleasure was power
and she has often been accused of poisoning
family members to acquire it. Whether the
charges are true or not, Livia was definitely a
formidable lady and not the sort of girl you
would want to mess around on!


Who is your historical dream date? (men's edition)
brought to you by Quizilla

You Are Elizabeth Bathony Otherwise Known As The
Blood Countess. She Bathed In Vigin Girls Blood
Thinking It Restored Her Youth. She Was Also
Bisexual. She Had Lesbian Orgies With Her Aunt.
By The Time Anyone Found Out What She Was Doing
613 Girls Were Murdered.


Which Blood Thirsty Historical Ruler Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Robert Bruce!


Which Historical Ruler Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Dr. Fricken evil. I will get you austin
powers!


What historical evil person were you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Um, that's not a historical figure.

Elvish


To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla

Good job! You have read the books so many times you
can't remember, for that you get The One Ring
who needs a sword when you can smite people!


How well do you know the Fellowship of the Ring book?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sarcasm? I sat through all three movies!

YOU ARE A DOWN TO EARTH FLIRT!!!!!!! You definitely
don't use those cheesy pick up lines to get
what you want and you get it by being yourself
and that's what people like about you the most!
When you flirt you just like to keep it simple
and just tell the truth about how you feel
about that person!! You must be really
attractive to the guys/girls.


what kind of flirt are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You like the sweet, shy type.


What kind of guy are you most attracted to?
brought to you by Quizilla

Life is all about balance. Darkness can't be
without light, and light can't be without
darkness. You see everything through different
angeles to gain perspective over situations.
You act rather rational and people can find you
stiff and/or emotionless due to this. Life is
not really that good to you, yet it's not so
bad. Like everything else, you need to balance
it in order to find peace.


How do you see life?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are an
assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. Atleast, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to
not get to noticed, and dress in black or other
discrete colours. You don't being in the
spotlight and wish people would just leave you
alone. But once you do get close to someone you
have a hard time letting go and get real down
if you loose him/her.

Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Eager to save the environment from your car's toxic fumes? More likely, recently gotten a DUI? You can check the TARTA (Toledo Area Regional Transit Authority) bus routes here.

For a city bent on urban renewal, getting people to hang out downtown and all that, you'd think by now our illustrious leaders would have realized that having the last line-up of busses leave downtown by 11:30 PM isn't the best way to do things. Lots of people would happily board a city bus to go to a baseball game or whatever if they were assured that, frivolities over, there'd be a bus around to take them home. It might take some getting used to for people not accustomed to riding a bus but I think eventually drinkers headed to the Bijou, Durty Byrd, Oliver House, Caesar's, Hooterville Junction, etc., would learn very quickly that so long as they use the buddy system and are greated by a final 2:30 AM line-up, taking the bus to and from a place creates a much more relaxed outing. Think of it...no DUIs, no fear of DUIs, no arguments over who is stuck driving, no concerns over where to park your car downtown.

Looking for something to do this week? Try a convention. From the Blade:

• July 11-16 - American Kinesiotherapy Association, Radisson Hotel, 125, national.
  
• July 12-15 - Ohio Association of Chiefs of Police, Wyndham Hotel, 225, state.
  
• July 14-17 - AABC State Baseball Tournament, various sites, 1,000, state.
  
• July 14-17 - Christian Congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses, Radisson Hotel, 7,500, regional.
  
• July 15-17 - Black Swamp Air Force/North Coast Stunt Kite Games, various sites, 400, regional.
  
• July 15-17 - Grand Council of Royal and Selected Masons of Ohio, Holiday Inn French Quarter, 75, state.

In other words, going out and about this week you risk being arrested by a bored cop, converted by a Jehovah's Witness or hit in the head by a stray kite or baseball, with only a kinesiotherapist to give you aid. Worse yet I've heard that the Jehovah's Witnesses will be convening in Toledo throughout the summer (they were last here about a month ago). The streets of Toledo are relatively safed but if these people approach you, don't say you weren't warned.

The Blade talks today about the political candidates schmoozing at the Lagrange Polish Festival this weekend.

No more Carty Finkbeiner! The guy landed us in the 20th Century Edition of Trivial Pursuit for his quip about moving deaf people out near the airport. Do we really have so little shame that we'd put him in office again? "It's just not right!"

Gilgamesh, where are you roaming? You will never find the eternal life that you seek. When the gods created mankind, they also created death, and they held back eternal life for themselves alone. Humans are born, they live, then they die, this is the order that the gods have decreed. But until the end comes, enjoy your life, spend it in happiness, not despair. Savor your food, make each of your days a delight, bathe and anoint yourself, wear bright clothes that are sparkling clean, let music and dancing fill your house, love the child that holds you by the hand, and give your wife pleasure in your embrace. That is the best way for a man to live.

(Shiduri to Gilgamesh, Book X of the Epic of Gilgamesh)

There's a new translation out by Stephen Mitchell for those interested.

Thank God a bunch of magazines arrived in the mail today. After reading the jokes in Playboy I moved on to National Geographic Adventure. I'm not normally one for magazines full of hikers (I prefer to vacation in civilization) but I've been getting this for several months and each issue has at least a few good articles for my tastes. This month is no exception.
The article deals with the Genographic Project. Spencer Wells has spent ten years traveling around the world gathering DNA swabs to map out human population history. DNA is tested to look at mitochondrial DNA and Y chromosomes. So far the research has shown that the different races began diverging 30,000-50,000 years ago from east-central Africa. The project is much more than a racial timeline (anyone who doesn't realize we all came from Africa needs to go back to school). The project is studying minute differences between far-flung tribes and looking at every slight mutation to pinpoint when the mutation took place. As a history nut, I've always been intrigued by how the tracing of Indo-European word roots has helped spell out human history in the absence of written records and scarce archaeological evidence. I realized that DNA mapping would come about eventually but was not so current in the process. Now I'm thrilled to have not only etymological evidence but hardcore DNA science.
It's funny how I was just wondering about this earlier today...how I or any of us fit into the world's family tree. For around $100 (to raise funds for the project) anyone can get a DNA swabbing kit, mail it back and have his or her results matched to a geographic location. The process is anonymous. You simply check the project's website for whatever number you've been assigned. I fully intend to order a kit and send in my swab even though I know my heritage pretty well.

Conveniently concurrent with a cablesystem power failure this evening, I saw Dark Water. I won't go on about the Japanese version, director, etc. Instead I'll say plainly and clearly that I loved it.
First off, the acting was brilliant. Jennifer Connelly is as beautiful as ever but not afraid to look crappy on screen. The little girl who played her daughter managed to pull off adorable yet believable (not like some child actors who seem to be being coached by their mothers off-camera). I don't think I've seen Dougray Scott in anything since that cheesy Cinderella movie with Drew Barrymore; he also did a great job. Even better I was shocked to see Tim Roth (my ugly-actor crush) who did the best lonely guy role I've ever seen. The other two male actors - I'm kicking myself for being unable to remember their names - were perfect.
This movie has nothing to offer you if you prefer conventional slasher flicks. But if you like suspense and creepiness, you'll love this movie. Although it features a plot to keep you ready for anything that might happen (and things definitely do happen although the pace is slow at first), it's much more about loneliness, abandonment, depression and isolation. Not necessarily a good film to take someone to who has just recently been dumped or who is suffering from the aforementioned loneliness, depression, etc.
If the rest of the audience is anything to go on, the crowd was pretty much silent for the whole movie. When it let out most everyone was still quiet. That's as much as I can say without giving away the ending.

There's truly something for everyone on the internet.

For years I've thought, "Hey. I'm a serious nerd who works through too much information in her head." All of that has changed upon finding this. It's even funnier because I'm purportedly part of this same infamous bloodline. So why am I a barely-employed budding spinster with a blog? Why can't I rule the free world? Pfft.

I've concluded that gathering storms provide the best backdrop for balcony reading.

Today has one of those hangovers where I'm wondering how this happened and why but not really. It wasn't intended for certain but with little sleep to go on (before last night's drinking) there wasn't much chance of avoiding it (in retrospect).

I'm supposed to see a friend's band tonight but at the moment the idea of being in a bar turns my poor stomach.

I received this MySpace bulletin today, purportedly from an article in the Blade.

Owners of youth venue need cash infusion to avoid eviction

They owe $83,000 in unpaid rent and are facing an eviction deadline tomorrow, but Donna and Alan Cohen are still hoping to find a way to keep The Happy Badger open.

The combination clothing store, cafe, and youth concert venue in South Toledo will close by the end of July unless its owners secure about $50,000 in additional funding. The Cohens are hoping to find an investor within the next few weeks, but they are also facing the very real possibility that they will walk away from The Happy Badger with no money and no jobs.

"We're prepared to walk out of this place with nothing," Mr. Cohen said, wiping away tears. "We're done. We've taken it as far as we can."

The Happy Badger opened in December, 2000, at the Cricket West shopping center in West Toledo as a space for young people to express themselves creatively in a space free of drugs or alcohol. In January, 2004, the Cohens moved to their current 12,000-square-foot venue on Reynolds Road near Southwyck Mall.

Since then, it has become a popular teen hangout that draws about 250 people to each of several concerts a month, many of which put the spotlight on local teenage bands. The bands Sugareater from Chicago and SuperNothing were scheduled to perform there last night.

The Cohens also operate The Happy Badger as a place for local artists to sell jewelry and paintings, as well as a cafe that sells fair-trade coffee and "creative" sandwiches.

"It's a great atmosphere; really warm and personal," said Katie Vines, 20, who met her fiance at a Happy Badger concert and will hold her wedding reception there on July 23. "There's something pure there that is going to be hard to replace."

Shawnteal Perry, 15, of Toledo, said she goes twice a month to concerts at The Happy Badger and would miss the experience if it closed.

"It's really sad," she said. "It's such a warm, friendly place."

The Cohens said they are similarly devastated by the possibility of closing The Happy Badger, but they believe they may have no choice. They have been unable to pay the full rent for the last 10 months, and they have no money to pay any of their outstanding bills. Two weeks ago, they filed for bankruptcy.

Paul Stark, the Cohens' landlord, said he served the couple with an eviction notice on Saturday because he could not afford their consistent failure to pay rent. The eviction notice gives the couple until Friday to pay the $8,000 they owe for the month of July.

"I was soft on them, and I regret it," Mr. Stark said. "I had people I could have rented it to last summer if I had evicted them, but I felt bad. Nice guys finish last, I guess."

But the Cohens' bankruptcy lawyer, Gordon Barry, said the couple would likely not have to vacate the venue for at least two weeks. Because the couple is currently going through bankruptcy proceedings, Mr. Stark will have to apply for a relief of the stay order that prevents people from collecting from the Cohens while they attempt to get their financial affairs in order, he said.

Mr. Cohen said The Happy Badger was a workable business model, but that the lack of initial capital made it difficult to create a self-sustaning company. He and his wife poured $250,000 into renovating the space when they rented it a year and a half ago with the full knowledge that they would need significant financial help to be able to afford the venture.

"We knew from the start we didn't have nearly enough money," Mrs. Cohen said. "We decided to create it and show people and hope they'd see the importance and contribute."

For months now, the Cohens have relied on a series of spontaneous donations to keep The Happy Badger afloat each time they have been near the brink of closure. Among their previous rescuers: a former employee's fiancee wrote a $9,000 check, while the mother of a teenager who frequently attends concerts there paid $4,000 to restore the electricity after the power company cut off thier service.

But unless they can secure a much larger donation -- they need about $50,000 to pay off their debt and be able to turn to a profit, they said -- the Cohens said they will have to close The Happy Badger.

"I don't want this to be a charity," Mrs. Cohen said. "I can't keep begging anymore."

The couple said they are not overly worried about what they will do if The Happy Badger closes for good, leaving them jobless and with no savings. They will simply seek other jobs and hope for the best.

"I've been through every fear there is, but I know we'll manage," Mr. Cohen said.

(The Toledo Blade)

I've been to the Happy Badger a total of two times. Great food. Each time I went there I wondered aloud how the owners managed to pay the heating bills alone on such a large space containing so few people. Sure I don't have an MBA or anything. But I know that venues attracting teens to shows don't make much money apart from what they take in at the door. I also know that the space being leased on Reynolds Road is way too big and poorly laid-out. So why is the owner crying and begging for an investor to bail him out? For what...so he can add another investor in a few months when the place goes under again? I'm so sick and tired of watching people try to create a unique niche only to complain that there's no market for what they're doing; that their ventures are unprofitable. Wah-wah, we built it and couldn't fill it. Instead of crying about the situation to a reporter, why not take what you have and move to a better location? There are spaces available for under $10,000 a month.

The internet sure is fast. Normally I don't turn on the TV early on to hear about breaking news. However, I left AIM on all night (again) and woke up to a message from a friend in the UK to turn on the 24-hour news. The gist of it is that there was a series of coordinated terrorist bombings in London this morning during rush hour, aimed at both the subway and bus systems. Several people were killed, more were injured. One friend was told that there might be boats coordinated later to get people like her back across the river this evening since most transportation is shut down with people being warned to stay home.

An Indian tribe in Iowa won't let a member have her son adopted by Indiana Anglos. Should have known that the right to operate casinos and kill whales would come at a price.

We've all seen pictures of the Segway incident. Now it turns out that Bush cannot ride a bike, either. Are we 100% sure that G.W. is off the booze?

A year in jail for lying under oath. I'm not justifying her crime but getting twice as much for perjury as Martha Stewart got for insider trading doesn't seem fair.



I wonder how long the "what I did was SOOOO wrong" spiel will last when it comes time for lyrics on her next album.

Nothing is happening in the local world today except that everyone (at least around here) is setting off the rest of their fireworks. How many straight hours of making things go pop until a moron gets bored? I like the pretty lights as much as anyone but for fuck's sake.

Learn something today.

The Declaration of Independence:

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America


When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refuted his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred. to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. --And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

--John Hancock

New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York:
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware:
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina:
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton