Thursday, June 09, 2005
Kingdom of Heaven
It's made its way to the discount theater already but I finally got around to seeing Kingdom of Heaven. The sets, cinematography, etc., were excellent. But what was it about again?
The story starts out with priests burying a woman who committed suicide. Very soon after we learn that this Hell-slated chick is the wife of Orlando Bloom and kicked the bucket after her baby died. The point is to make the viewer aware that Orlando is angry at the Church. Okay. Then Liam Neeson (looking great as he ages) shows up to tell Orlando that he's his father and does Orlando happen to want to go on a crusade with him. Orly says no but later that evening kills a priest, forcing him to catch up with papa on the road. Um, okay. Anyhoo, pops himself kicks the bucket not soon after. Miraculously, though, Liam taught Orly everything he knew during the ten minutes before his mortal wound.
Fast forward to Jerusalem where Orlando finds himself as the king's favorite despite the fact that he has done little of note and that no one knew who the hell he was until he rolled into town. And luckily for Orly the king's sister has a mean husband and is eager to boink. Cut to the director's excuse for getting Orly to take his shirt off (much appreciated).
I get it that the writer/director/movie dudes were trying to show the corruption and hypocrisy behind the Crusades. But this movie had too much crap going on to stick to a theme. There had to have been a lot of footage edited out of the film...at least I hope so. It'd be sad to think that what I saw was the story as it was originally written. The whole thing was an amalgamation of all of the historical and historical fiction hero films we've had out since Braveheart. The ruler's enticing sister came from Gladiator. This review is tedious enough so I won't go into detail but I'm sure you get the idea.
Shallow twit that I am, though, I liked the film. The director was wise enough to do a lot of close-ups on Orlando Bloom which made the lack of good writing bearable. Months from now I'll more than likely pick up a cheap used copy of the DVD to liven up my spinster nights at home.
The story starts out with priests burying a woman who committed suicide. Very soon after we learn that this Hell-slated chick is the wife of Orlando Bloom and kicked the bucket after her baby died. The point is to make the viewer aware that Orlando is angry at the Church. Okay. Then Liam Neeson (looking great as he ages) shows up to tell Orlando that he's his father and does Orlando happen to want to go on a crusade with him. Orly says no but later that evening kills a priest, forcing him to catch up with papa on the road. Um, okay. Anyhoo, pops himself kicks the bucket not soon after. Miraculously, though, Liam taught Orly everything he knew during the ten minutes before his mortal wound.
Fast forward to Jerusalem where Orlando finds himself as the king's favorite despite the fact that he has done little of note and that no one knew who the hell he was until he rolled into town. And luckily for Orly the king's sister has a mean husband and is eager to boink. Cut to the director's excuse for getting Orly to take his shirt off (much appreciated).
I get it that the writer/director/movie dudes were trying to show the corruption and hypocrisy behind the Crusades. But this movie had too much crap going on to stick to a theme. There had to have been a lot of footage edited out of the film...at least I hope so. It'd be sad to think that what I saw was the story as it was originally written. The whole thing was an amalgamation of all of the historical and historical fiction hero films we've had out since Braveheart. The ruler's enticing sister came from Gladiator. This review is tedious enough so I won't go into detail but I'm sure you get the idea.
Shallow twit that I am, though, I liked the film. The director was wise enough to do a lot of close-ups on Orlando Bloom which made the lack of good writing bearable. Months from now I'll more than likely pick up a cheap used copy of the DVD to liven up my spinster nights at home.
